Interacting socially with people lately, ie “making friends”, has just seemed to get more and more difficult for me lately. It was easier when I was younger. I was actually fairly socially adept. But as I’ve gotten older it feels like more and more of a disconnect with other people around me. I’ve been called mean and harsh, and I’m fairly sure I can get obnoxious as well. It’s more or less a little disappointing. I don’t really want to talk to other people anymore, especially if I feel like speaking with them will only get me labeled as a jerk. I mean, a choice between talking to my heart’s content and being called a jerk, or just keeping my mouth closed and keeping to myself entirely doesn’t seem like a choice at all. I’d shut my face every time. And on the off chance I forget and actually speak to other people, I don’t think it’d take too long for me to be reminded of why I shouldn’t be talking.
Maybe I could get by if I could hook myself up to some sort of cattle prod and let it juice me up when I’m being a pain. Does that count as training for social situations?
The girlfriend suggested that maybe I’m just not hanging around the right kind of people. Well, I was told that maybe I should just hang out with other jerks. She was probably kidding when she said that. Partially anyway. But I’ve been bully and picked on enough when I was younger than to want to have anything to do with that type of person or anything even approaching that type of person.
That said, maybe I just really am trying to hang out with the wrong crowd. I like to rib and poke at people with the understanding that they can do the same to me and that we should all have a good time doing it. But, unfortunately, those that I think can handle it don’t seem to share the opinion that what I’m doing is friendly. And that’s where the comments about me being mean and a jerk come from. So I go from feeling disappointed, to awkward, to depressed about the situation. And all it does is reinforce the loner mentality I’ve been steadily cultivating over the years. And now meeting new people and actually bothering to talk seems more like a chore than anything remotely resembling fun.
Is it fun to kick a can around by yourself? Eh, I don’t know. It’s not as if I can’t find something to pass the time with. In this day in age there really isn’t a lack of anything to occupy yourself with. Especially with the internet involved. Whether it’s gaming, or movies and tv shows, or twitter/facebook/youtube, you can skate through the majority of your life without any lack of something to do. Is it lonely? Probably. It would probably be ten times worse for me if I wasn’t already attached to someone. Something I’m extremely thankful for at times. I think in the past I’ve toyed with trying to change myself but I’m too mentally weak to be able to do something like that. So I really do feel like my only real recourse is just to shut up. Sounds depressing, but I don’t know what else to do really.
You think maybe this is what the Hulk has to go through on a day to day basis? No one understands the guy, no one wants him around either. Cause he’s a jerk. Maybe everyone will finally get tired of me, toss me into a rocket ship and send me to a habitable planet where I can live out my Planet Hulk fantasy. I’m coming for you, Red King.
Yeah, I watched that Planet Hulk movie yesterday >_>